I Don't Care What You Have Done

My 19 year old self was an attention-seeking, party going, sex driven, self conscious, young woman running from the Lord as fast as I could go. Four to 5 nights a week I spent partying, drinking, and occasionally doing drugs. I wore as little clothes as I could and knew that attention from the male species came easily for me and I took full advantage. I was a regular at the local clubs, danced in a way that no one should have seen, and was obsessed with being as sexy as I could be. I won money at a local club in a bikini contest and I saw how easily my body, my looks and my sexuality could actually bring me more than just a second glance. I was on a path to complete destruction and it was only by the grace of God that I survived all those nights riding around drunk on back roads. Nothing fulfilled me, nothing gave me self worth, nothing ever seemed to be enough. I was in a rut. I appeared happy on the outside but mostly depressed on the inside. I hated being alone with my own thoughts and yet I would have never admitted that to anyone.
In November of 2002, David & I began talking on the phone every night for hours. We had met 2 1/2 years prior at the beach while I was on vacation with my family. We kept in touch by email but for the 6 months leading up to all those late night phone conversations, we had lost touch. Then by a divine appointment set by the maker of the universe, he had signed onto AOL instant messenger when I was on and sent me a message. That next day he called me and that began what would be the rest of our lives together. 
At first we didn't talk everyday but it didn't take long for it to become apart of my daily routine. One night our conversation was one that I will never forget. As with any relationship, we had the conversation where we aired our dirty laundry and shared what we had done in our past. David shared with me that he was sexually pure. He had never given himself so intimately to anyone and he wanted to wait for marriage. That should have made him even more appealing to me, but it didn't. Honestly, my heart sank. I knew that I wasn't good enough for him and that I had to let him go.
I hesitantly shared with him that not only was I not pure but that I had given myself to 4 other guys. I gave him a free ticket to drop out of my life and go find someone that I thought was more deserving. This alone was so out of character for me. I was used to getting what I wanted and thinking of myself first and everyone else second. But I saw David as goodness and deserving of someone truly great and that person couldn't be me.
The words that came out of David's mouth next completely altered the way I saw myself and brought healing in a way I never thought possible. David said to me, "I don't care what you have done." It was as if the God of Heaven and Earth spoke so deeply into my heart.
 I spent years running from the Lord. One sin led to another and soon I had told myself I had done too much to return to God. Wasn't I too far gone?? But I am convinced, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that God himself placed those words into David's mouth and used him to bring healing. I realized that I wasn't a piece of used up trash, but a creation of the One who calms the sea and commands the cosmos. I was loved, cherished, liked and time with me was a desire of the heart of God even though He didn't need me.
As women, we are so hard on ourselves. Nailing ourselves to a cross over and over again instead of standing firm on the promise that our slates are wiped clean, our sin has been made white as snow. We have freedom that is only found in Christ. Galatians 5:1 tells us that "Christ has truly set us free. Now make sure that you stay free..."
What are we saying to a lost world when we walk around chained to our past mistakes and beating ourselves up over and over again? We are saying that our God is not big enough, great enough, and sufficient enough. We are not showing the world the true God that shows  us grace and forgiveness and walks right into our own mess and rescues us from it.
 How do we live in that freedom? How do we see ourselves through the eyes of Christ and stop carrying around our yoke of slavery? We seek, we pursue, we get down on our knees everyday at the feet of our God who is sovereign over ALL things. We find our identity in Him by reading His love notes and promises to us in His word. When we start seeing the Bible as His letters to us instead of just a book of history, I believe, our desire to read it and feast on it grows gradually but noticeably every day. It's like the way a child grows from the moment of conception. Each day there are ever so slight changes but changes all the same that grow into bigger changes. Before we know it we can barely recognize that wrinkly little baby with no teeth and hardly any hair.
My relationship with the Lord is like a roller coaster. There are days that I fall back into guilt and don't see my worth in Him. I tend to forget that I am a new creation in Christ (2Corinthians 5:17) and that God desires time with me. When I came to Christ as a sinner, my sin was exchanged for Jesus' righteousness. I could not enter into the presence of the holy God as I was before my salvation......my old self had to die. The perfectness, purity, and righteousness of Jesus is a covering that I put on when I repented and accepted His gift of salvation. This gift, this cleansing, this re-birth is available to every one of us if we just accept it.
Cry out to Jesus and ask..... no beg.... Him to show you the freedom you have in Him and only Him! YOU can enter the very presence of the Holy God, YOU can have an intimate relationship with the maker of the galaxies and the complex human body your spirit resides in for a time. He loves you and He is in pursuit of you. Not because He needs you but because He wants you just as you are!!!!!!You are a treasure to Him, and that my friends causes me to tremble from deep within and draws me to my knees in submission to the One who holds the world in His hands.
I leave you with this scripture out of Hebrews that names Jesus as our high priest who allows us to enter into the very presence of God our father without shame and a conscious that is clean.

"And so, dear brothers and sisters, we can boldly enter heaven's Most Holy Place because of the blood of Jesus. By his death, Jesus opened a new and life-giving way through the curtain into the Most Holy Place. And since we have a great High Priest who rules over God's house, let us go right into the presence of God with sincere hearts fully trusting him. For our guilty consciences have been sprinkled with Christ's blood to make us clean, and our bodies have been washed with pure water. Let us hold tightly without wavering to the hope we affirm, for God can be trusted to keep his promise." Hebrews 10:19-23 NLT

For more of my personal testimony, read my most read blog post here..... http://puttingmyyesonthetable.blogspot.com/2014/03/transformed.html