I Don't Care What You Have Done

My 19 year old self was an attention-seeking, party going, sex driven, self conscious, young woman running from the Lord as fast as I could go. Four to 5 nights a week I spent partying, drinking, and occasionally doing drugs. I wore as little clothes as I could and knew that attention from the male species came easily for me and I took full advantage. I was a regular at the local clubs, danced in a way that no one should have seen, and was obsessed with being as sexy as I could be. I won money at a local club in a bikini contest and I saw how easily my body, my looks and my sexuality could actually bring me more than just a second glance. I was on a path to complete destruction and it was only by the grace of God that I survived all those nights riding around drunk on back roads. Nothing fulfilled me, nothing gave me self worth, nothing ever seemed to be enough. I was in a rut. I appeared happy on the outside but mostly depressed on the inside. I hated being alone with my own thoughts and yet I would have never admitted that to anyone.
In November of 2002, David & I began talking on the phone every night for hours. We had met 2 1/2 years prior at the beach while I was on vacation with my family. We kept in touch by email but for the 6 months leading up to all those late night phone conversations, we had lost touch. Then by a divine appointment set by the maker of the universe, he had signed onto AOL instant messenger when I was on and sent me a message. That next day he called me and that began what would be the rest of our lives together. 
At first we didn't talk everyday but it didn't take long for it to become apart of my daily routine. One night our conversation was one that I will never forget. As with any relationship, we had the conversation where we aired our dirty laundry and shared what we had done in our past. David shared with me that he was sexually pure. He had never given himself so intimately to anyone and he wanted to wait for marriage. That should have made him even more appealing to me, but it didn't. Honestly, my heart sank. I knew that I wasn't good enough for him and that I had to let him go.
I hesitantly shared with him that not only was I not pure but that I had given myself to 4 other guys. I gave him a free ticket to drop out of my life and go find someone that I thought was more deserving. This alone was so out of character for me. I was used to getting what I wanted and thinking of myself first and everyone else second. But I saw David as goodness and deserving of someone truly great and that person couldn't be me.
The words that came out of David's mouth next completely altered the way I saw myself and brought healing in a way I never thought possible. David said to me, "I don't care what you have done." It was as if the God of Heaven and Earth spoke so deeply into my heart.
 I spent years running from the Lord. One sin led to another and soon I had told myself I had done too much to return to God. Wasn't I too far gone?? But I am convinced, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that God himself placed those words into David's mouth and used him to bring healing. I realized that I wasn't a piece of used up trash, but a creation of the One who calms the sea and commands the cosmos. I was loved, cherished, liked and time with me was a desire of the heart of God even though He didn't need me.
As women, we are so hard on ourselves. Nailing ourselves to a cross over and over again instead of standing firm on the promise that our slates are wiped clean, our sin has been made white as snow. We have freedom that is only found in Christ. Galatians 5:1 tells us that "Christ has truly set us free. Now make sure that you stay free..."
What are we saying to a lost world when we walk around chained to our past mistakes and beating ourselves up over and over again? We are saying that our God is not big enough, great enough, and sufficient enough. We are not showing the world the true God that shows  us grace and forgiveness and walks right into our own mess and rescues us from it.
 How do we live in that freedom? How do we see ourselves through the eyes of Christ and stop carrying around our yoke of slavery? We seek, we pursue, we get down on our knees everyday at the feet of our God who is sovereign over ALL things. We find our identity in Him by reading His love notes and promises to us in His word. When we start seeing the Bible as His letters to us instead of just a book of history, I believe, our desire to read it and feast on it grows gradually but noticeably every day. It's like the way a child grows from the moment of conception. Each day there are ever so slight changes but changes all the same that grow into bigger changes. Before we know it we can barely recognize that wrinkly little baby with no teeth and hardly any hair.
My relationship with the Lord is like a roller coaster. There are days that I fall back into guilt and don't see my worth in Him. I tend to forget that I am a new creation in Christ (2Corinthians 5:17) and that God desires time with me. When I came to Christ as a sinner, my sin was exchanged for Jesus' righteousness. I could not enter into the presence of the holy God as I was before my salvation......my old self had to die. The perfectness, purity, and righteousness of Jesus is a covering that I put on when I repented and accepted His gift of salvation. This gift, this cleansing, this re-birth is available to every one of us if we just accept it.
Cry out to Jesus and ask..... no beg.... Him to show you the freedom you have in Him and only Him! YOU can enter the very presence of the Holy God, YOU can have an intimate relationship with the maker of the galaxies and the complex human body your spirit resides in for a time. He loves you and He is in pursuit of you. Not because He needs you but because He wants you just as you are!!!!!!You are a treasure to Him, and that my friends causes me to tremble from deep within and draws me to my knees in submission to the One who holds the world in His hands.
I leave you with this scripture out of Hebrews that names Jesus as our high priest who allows us to enter into the very presence of God our father without shame and a conscious that is clean.

"And so, dear brothers and sisters, we can boldly enter heaven's Most Holy Place because of the blood of Jesus. By his death, Jesus opened a new and life-giving way through the curtain into the Most Holy Place. And since we have a great High Priest who rules over God's house, let us go right into the presence of God with sincere hearts fully trusting him. For our guilty consciences have been sprinkled with Christ's blood to make us clean, and our bodies have been washed with pure water. Let us hold tightly without wavering to the hope we affirm, for God can be trusted to keep his promise." Hebrews 10:19-23 NLT

For more of my personal testimony, read my most read blog post here..... http://puttingmyyesonthetable.blogspot.com/2014/03/transformed.html

Dear Birthmom

Dear Birthmom,

I think about you everyday. I often wonder if you think about the son you chose to abandon. Do you think about him as much as I think about you? Do you wonder who is caring for him? Do you wonder what he looks like now and how much he has grown? Do you wonder if he looks like you? 

There are days that, honestly, I hate you. When I think about him laying outside that hospital alone, a 2 day old baby, I get so angry. How could you just leave him there? How could you just walk away from such a treasure, such a gift from God? 

But those days when I want to hate you, the Holy Spirit convicts my heart and reminds me that I'm no better than you and shows me the care you displayed. You left him outside of a hospital..... That right there should speak volumes that you were trying to give him what he needed even if that meant you had to give him up. You left him wearing the sweetest little yellow infant shirt and a bottle of milk. I imagine that just maybe you watched at a safe distance until someone found him. Did you cry for him? Deep down in my heart, I know you did. 

I pray for you regularly. I pray that God will send someone to tell you about Jesus and that you would accept His special gift of salvation. I tell your son about Jesus, I read Him stories from the Bible, and I fervently pray for His salvation. Because I believe in the power of prayer I just know that in God's timing he will come to know Jesus as His savior. I have even prayed that just maybe, God would call him back to China as a missionary to his own people. Maybe God will orchestrate it for you to meet one day by a divine appointment. Just maybe, it will be Samuel, as an adult that shares the gospel with you. I pray for that & if that's not God's will then I pray that one day you will meet in heaven. 

Can I tell you a little about your son........our son? He has the funniest and sweetest personality. He loves trains and cars and the only TV show he will actually watch is Thomas the Train. He loves to cuddle and give kisses and before he puckers for a kiss he will say "wuv you." When he is tired he puts his arm over his face and makes this funny noise with his mouth. He is a mommy's boy through and through. He wants to sit in my lap and for me to hold him almost constantly. He has the biggest smile.... So big his eyes disappear!! He is so smart! A couple of weeks ago I potty trained him and it only took him a week to pretty much get it down. He has a brother and a sister that just adore him. He fits right in....like he has always been with us. He is such a treasure and I cannot imagine my life without him in it! 

I am so grateful to you. You carried him in your womb and gave birth to him and chose to try to give him a better life. I refuse to believe that you just gave him up without a second thought. Your tragedy and heartache is my blessing and that makes me feel so guilty and sad for you. Do you know who understands your sacrifice better than anyone else?? God our father! He gave up his son too and He did it for YOU! He did it so that you would have a chance to live eternally with Him in heaven! He loves you more than you could ever imagine and I pray that if you don't known Him yet that you will one day! 

You and I, we share something very special and unique. We share a son. You birthed him and I parent him for as long as God allows me to. I wonder if you could peer into our lives, would you be happy with the way I parent him? Would you think your choice was the right one? I hope so! I hope that one day we are able to meet. Until then, I will continue to pray for you, and although it still takes work some days, I will give you grace and choose to believe you did the most selfless thing a mother could do! 

In Christ, 

Angela 

Samuel's other mom

Adoption: The Aftermath

Amongst the international adoption community it's a common response when people ask why you chose international adoption to respond with a simple, "Because that's where my son/daughter was." That response never seemed so true until after we got Samuel. I can tell you that there is no doubt in my mind that he was meant to be with us.
To be completely transparent, I worried that I would have a hard time loving him. I worried that I would see him differently as I do my bio kids. But, because I worried I prayed and pleaded with God on a daily basis to help me love him the way He loves him.
The moment I saw Samuel God opened my heart and flamed my motherly instincts. He was mine and I knew it just like I knew Austin & Alexa were mine the second I laid eyes on them after they were born. My instincts to protect him, cuddle him, kiss on him, take care of him, and die for him were all present. For the first time I truly understood that God led us to China because that's where our son was.
It is so humbling to think that when God knit Samuel together in his birth mother's womb that He created him with us in mind. He knew He would join our family one day. God places families together and He took us halfway around the world in a foreign country with wonderful people from all over the U.S. to grow our family the way He intended.
We witnessed first hand 11 families being joined together by adoption and it was beautiful. Not only could I see how God made Samuel for us but I witnessed how God made 10 other children with their adoptive families in mind. I saw how they just fit together.
Adoption is more beautiful and wonderful than I ever thought prior to being on this side of it and I yearn for other people to experience this. I know not every family is called to adopt but for every families sake, I wish you all were. There are hard parts along the way but that's what makes it so awesome in the end!! To look back and see how long we waited, how hard we worked, and how much money we raised. But the end result was more than worth it all!!!!
Through this whole process I have learned so much about God. I learned to trust Him more, love him deeper, and I've experienced numerous answered prayers. I've seen what He was doing behind the scenes (after the fact of course) and marveled at what He would do right in front of my face.
I still look at Samuel and I just can't believe he is really mine. He is so amazing! His smile can light up a room and his happy personality can lift my spirits. Sometimes he just puckers up to give me a big kiss and says, "love you." I am so humbled to be his mommy and to be able to watch him slowly learn to love us and feel like he belongs. I often still look at him and just weep...... tears of pure joy and amazement!
So adoption has changed our lives and rocked our world.... where do we go from here? Our hearts are forever changed and we can no longer ignore the orphan crisis. We have seen and know too much. Soooo..... we are in the process of becoming an approved foster home. I haven't made it completely public because I didn't want it to seem like this is about us. But my story and what God is doing in and through me is about Him and giving Him glory!  It is because of Him that we choose this path. It is because of Him changing me from the inside out and helping me die to myself every single day. I am no super mom. There is absolutely nothing special about me other than everyday I am committed to getting out of His way and have accepted His invitation to be apart of Him changing lives through the gospel. Sometimes (today even) I feel so inadequate. But He led me to the story of the prostitute, Rahab, in the book of Joshua and I am reminded that He can use ANYBODY! Rahab, a prostitute from an enemy nation of Israel and yet she is in the lineage of Jesus, the mother of Boaz. She had faith in the one true God and risk her life to follow Him.
Five years ago this definitely would not be happening. Heck even a year ago! We have been scared of foster care. Honestly, we still are. The thought of getting attached to a child only to lose them or see them go back to a bad situation makes me very anxious. I feel like we are walking into this knowing there is heartache ahead of us. But God brought me on my face before Him and challenged me. Do I really know what it means to live like Jesus? Praise the Lord that He didn't turn us away and not seek to redeem us just because He knew we would break His heart. If God can sacrifice His own son on that cross (can you imagine His heartache??) then I can allow my heart to be broken all for His glory and His kingdom. These are His children and He will allow them to be in our lives for as long as He wants them to be. Maybe the time these kids are with us is the only time they will hear about Jesus. Maybe that's the only reason He brings them to us temporarily. Maybe we will get the opportunity to mentor and pour into the parent's lives. Maybe He will allow us to adopt again. We don't know exactly what's ahead, but we do know and rest in the fact that God is completely sovereign over all things and that when our hearts get broken, He will be there to comfort us and mend us back together.
It is not lost to us that as our friends and family we are asking you to lay your hearts on the line with us. We know that you may very well get attached to these children just as we will and that some of them will only stay for a while. We are praying for you and your hearts as well as our own. But will you put your hearts on the line with us in the name of Jesus?! Will you trust that He has a plan for them and that plan may not include us permanently? 
Thank you for always supporting us and encouraging us!

"Whoever receives one such child in my name receives me, and whoever receives me, receives not me but him who sent me."  Mark 9:37