TRANSFORMED

I was raised in church from the time I was born and have heard the gospel more times than I can count. I voluntarily went to the front of the church during the altar call when I was about 7 years old and prayed the sinners prayer. I was baptized the next summer and over the following several years we were in church every time the doors were open. I joined the youth group when I got old enough, committed myself to daily quiet times, carried my Bible to school, prayed at the flagpole before class every morning, and shared my faith at the lunch table in middle school. It seemed like I was on the right path and growing in my relationship with the Lord. But was I or just doing what I was being spoon fed to do?

When I was in the 8th grade I remember thinking this christian thing was too hard. I was made fun of and was definitely not going to be one of the cool kids when I carried my Bible around everywhere I went. I gave up on God and began being defiant to my parents. I wasn't even really sure I believed God existed but I would have never admitted that with fear that if God was real I sure didn't want to risk going to hell.

I spent the next several years confused and searching. Searching for someone or something to make me feel whole and complete. I lost my virginity at 14. I thought he was the one I would marry one day and I didn't see any reason to wait. I thought my boyfriend was the key to my happiness. That's a lot of pressure to put on a broken human just like myself. My relationship with him lasted 3 years and when it ended I gave myself intimately to the next 3 guys I dated. I thought the only way they could love me and give me the joy I was searching for was to have a sexual relationship with them. Boy, was I wrong!

When I got out of high school I got into the party scene. Going to clubs, drinking about 4 nights out of the week, and doing drugs. I was still searching to fill a void. I got attention from guys easily and I used that to my full advantage and soaked up every bit of it thinking that would give me the purpose in this life I sought. I enjoyed the attention but at the end of the day I still wasn't fulfilled.

When I was 19, my relationship with David began. I was always very transparent with people especially guys that I wanted to date. So one night on the phone I told him of my past and the others that I had intimately been with. David told me that he was a virgin and I instantly felt unworthy. I can't even adequately describe the mixture of emotions I felt..... sadness, guilt, shame, embarrassment. I gave David an easy way out and told him that he didn't have to continue on with me because he deserved a girl who could offer him what I couldn't. His next statement to me literally changed my life. He said, "I don't care what you have done." It was as if God had spoken those words to me and in an instant my hard heart began to melt.

David and I were married the next year and I won't lie.... we didn't save our first time together for our marriage night. I thought my past had already ruined me and I knew he would be my husband one day so what was the point? The devil deceived me big time. I would give anything to go back and rewrite that part of my past. I was a stumbling block for David. He really wanted to wait for marriage but I convinced him it made no difference. LADIES....IT DOES MAKE A DIFFERENCE! If you hear anything from me hear this..... some of my biggest regrets and shame stem from my sexual past. Trust me on this.... IT IS NOT WORTH IT. Keep that part of yourself sacred and if anything do it for your future husband. I have caused mine a lot of pain because I didn't wait for him and I didn't view his virginity as a sacred gift to be cherished and worth waiting for until our wedding night.

Over the next almost 9 years of our marriage we church hoped. Prayed when we needed something and read our Bibles seldom at best. I never really understood the Bible all that well so it wasn't something I enjoyed picking up and reading. I don't really think I even viewed the Bible as God's words and stories that really happened and had application for my life today. They just seemed like child's stories I learned as a kid.

In August of 2012 we decided we needed to get on the right track and get involved in a church. I really wanted to raise my kids in church if anything to try to avoid rebellion against us when they got older. My motives didn't exactly include a life change on my part. I never imagined the transformation God had in store for me.

We went to Tri-Cities Baptist Church and instantly knew it was where God wanted us. Slowly God began to open my eyes to His truth and change me from the inside out. I was reading a book called Crazy Love by Francis Chan and in one of the chapters he writes about fake Christians and if there is really such thing as a lukewarm christian. Something came over me that night and my whole body began to tremble. I got down on my knees in my living room while the rest of the house was sleeping and cried out to God. I was so afraid that just maybe I wasn't really saved at all. If anything I just wanted to make for certain and to give my life to God more completely than I ever had before. I begged God for a clear understanding of His word and to give me a desire and passion to study my Bible like never before.

My passion for Jesus Christ and my desire to read my Bible has grown by leaps and bounds. It was a literal over night transformation. All of a sudden the Bible came alive to me and for once I began to get a clear picture of what God was trying to say to me. I started to see it not as just a history book with stories of the past but as a guide to all of life's ups and downs. My prayer life grew and slowly I began to be able to discern God's guiding and promptings. For once I saw Jesus as my best friend and not just this pretty awesome guy that lived a long time ago and I saw myself as lovable, forgivable, wanted, and significant.

Some say that miracles don't happen and God doesn't exist but I am telling you it is nothing short of a miracle the way my life and heart has changed. I see people so differently than I ever have before. We are all created with significant purpose. We were each made in the image of God..... the creator of the world. My heart is slowly being changed to see people the way Jesus does. To love people the way Jesus did and has called us to. We are so quick to see people for their sin and not their purpose and potential if they allowed the Holy Spirit to take control over their lives.

So, when was I truly "saved"..... at 7 years old or that night in my living room 1 1/2 years ago? Honestly, I don't know exactly. All I know is that I no longer doubt it and I finally moved out of the way and allowed the Holy Spirit to truly take hold of my heart and life and be my guide. I knew Jesus died on the cross to save me from my sins. But my heart never understood it the way it does now. Jesus was God himself... in the flesh. The unblemished sacrifice that was necessary to pay for all our sins so that we no longer have to be separated from God. The mere thought of that brings me to tears.

Today in church we sang the song posted below. It really sums up my story.

I don't write all this because I am proud of my past. It is actually quite the opposite. Its not fun to air your dirty laundry for everyone to see but I have felt God prompting me to get my story out there. Someone needs to hear it. The most important tool we have as christians to use in sharing our faith is our own personal stories. Whose life could your testimony transform?

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come."  2 Corinthians 5:17